Just Plain Tired

Gawd, I'm so tired. I have been trying and trying to get my ducks in a row so that I can start college and every single time I get one step closer something always pops up. First it was old student loans that needed to be taken care of. THEN it was a waiting game for the company through which the loans were through to send a letter to the college that I am applying to saying that my loan payments were up-to-date and being paid....which they are. So, after my college got that letter I thought "Oh, goodie! I'm so close I can taste the veneer on the desk!" Then, one thing kept popping up over another. I stuck with it and took it all one day at a time. I was ready....seriously, ready. I had meetings with the student loan department and everything was all set to go......and then, one more thing popped up, keeping me from starting. Apparently there was another loan sitting stagnate from the first college that I started a few years ago. Oh, come on! Seriously? Where the hell did THIS one come from? So, now that I've worked with the consolidation company and they've finally agreed to take this most recent loan on as well. I'm ready to start school, I'm ready to start a new life, and to work toward a reputable career. But I swear, if one more thing pops up, I really don't know if I'll be able to take it. Haven't I proved myself enough? I mean, I've been patient, and even now I'm trying to remain head strong, and focused on my goal. But damn, how much can one person take? I don't know if I can keep it up anymore. I really just want to throw in the towel.

Bed Hopping

I just don't get it. I probably never will. How in the hell anyone can justify starting a new relationship when they haven't even severed ties with the previous one. There's something seriously wrong when a person can't even take responsibility for the damage they've caused. Not just to others involved, but to themselves. Everything is always someone else's fault. Excuses like "well, I did it because he made me mad" just don't cut it in my book! I'm disgusted by the whole "i'm mad so I'm gonna do want I want and I don't care if it hurts anyone else" crap! Grow the fuck up and take responsibility for yourself and your own damn actions. And STOP expecting ME to cover your ass! You're seriously testing my friendship and my loyalty. I mean, if you can't be loyal to your husband of 23 years, then how the hell do you expect me to think you'd be loyal to OUR friendship? Are you kidding me? You went on and on about finding your own place, how you wanted to be independent, start a new life for yourself...and I supported that 100%. But then when you were having a weak moment and thought about going back to your husband, I tried the "think of the independence you'll have, you'll no longer be at his beck and call".....that didn't satisfy you though, did it? Hell no, your new "boyfriend" (or whatever the fuck he is) called you and I guess that made things better for you? I'm sorry, but where the hell is that independence you couldn't wait to grab hold of? Right out the damn window...wow, that didn't take long, did it? What a joke. You don't want to be independent, because apparently women like you can't fucking hack it. And you say "new guy" isn't your boyfriend and it's not serious, but the two of you have had conversations about moving in together....UHM EX-FUCKING-SCUSE me........moving in with someone is pretty f'ing serious in my book! GRRRRRR, some women really PISS ME OFF...and women like ME are getting pissed off at women like you for making us look bad. 
Signing off.....ONE PISSED PAGAN, 
Blessed Be,
Jai

Stuck

Liminal. Right now that is the perfect word for me. Stuck in a threshold that will hurt someone one no matter what direction I take. Do I go right or left? Forge ahead or turn back? I thought I knew what I wanted, who I wanted and now, I'm not sure that's what's best for me. Of course I should've thought of that before things went too far. Before I stupidly blasted past that threshold and found myself cemented in this one. It's not that I don't know what I want....Because I know exactly what I want. The problem is that I know exactly what I DON'T want, but I put all my eggs in that basket way too soon and now I'm here....stuck.....knowing if I speak it aloud that it will hurt the one person that I never intended to hurt. But if I don't say it, get it out, I'll hurt myself far worse. This sucks.

Happy New Year!

WOW...is it just me or did 2009 zip right by? It didn't even wave goodbye when it left...wasn't that rude? I spent my new years eve night exactly the way I wanted to: reading a book in my pj's. That seems to be my favorite thing to do these days. I guess growing older makes you calmer? I dunno, but I seem happier chillin out with my friends & family, watching movies that reach about a 20 on the gross-o-meter these days. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, nor is it always quiet. But it sure is fun! I didn't make any resolutions this year. Didn't even try. Why? Because I make a list every year and I never follow through with any of them..lol. Eh, at least I'm honest about it.
Anyway, I finally have all my ducks in a row and I'm ready to start school. Now all I'm waiting for is the letter that I need showing that none of my accounts are in default. I'm really excited to get started. I'm so excited I could literally wet my pants! (Hey, at least it's warm for a second or two...lol) But, seriously, I'm ready to hit the ground running and get started and get registered for classes. Anyway, I thought since it had been forever since I'd posted anything that I could refresh my page and let anyone who cares to read this know whats going on in my life. Hope your New Year's kicked ass and I hope this coming year brings you happiness and internal peace!
Blessed Be,
Jai