New Day, New Choices!

After bitching about my weight for so long, I have finally taken the steps to learn how to control what I eat, how I eat and when I eat. Starting Monday I am beginning a new chapter in my life. A friend of mine told me that she signed up for Thrive!Weight Loss. It's a system designed to teach you how to read food labels and what all that mumbo jumbo means. It also includes a grocery list that you take to the store with you. The list describes what breads and complex carbs you can have and how much you can have. The friend that suggested this program to me lost 40lbs in 4 months. I am really excited about this and I feel good about it! I'm motivated and determined. Anyway, I will be posting my progress to share here with all the world....I need all the support I can get!
Blessed Be!

Keep on, keepin' on

A new chapter in my life is, finally, starting. My student loans have all been consolodated and yesterday I started the steps to getting registered or college. It's so strange because I've been fighting with this since last year and every time I got closer another obsticle would pop up and then another, then another.....so on and so forth. I still won't let myself get excited about it until it's 100% DONE! Like, when I have my books under my arm and a class schedule in my hand. Anyway, I've gotta jet off of here for now.

Blessed Be,
Jai

Update

R.I.P. Mooner, my baby girl. I love you.

It's been a while since I've posted an update on what's been going on in my life. Well, on January 31st my bestfriend/sister was admitted to the hospital for pulinary failure.....again. I spent the next week driving back and forth from Knoxville to Oak Ridge everyday to visit her in the hospital. She's home now and doing well, thank Goddess!
The week after that (which was the second week of February) I noticed a lump in my cats jaw. So, Tuesday the 9th I took her to the vet. The vet said that she didn't think that it was anything to worry about, that it was probably just a bad tooth that had some swelling, so she was given antibiotics and sent home. We were told to come back in seven days to see if the antibiotics were working. I'm very anal when it comes to my cat so, of course, like the hovering mama that I am I kept a close eye on her. On the following Friday, I ended up bringing her back in because it seemed like she was getting worse. She had to have a needle biopsy done because the lump had gotten bigger and it was obvious that the antibiotics weren't working. The vet was afraid that she had cancer.
     During all of this, the lump had gotten so big that my baby girl could barely open her mouth to eat. She would push food up the side of the bowl and then push the food into her mouth. Watching this broke my heart. I'd try to help her by putting food on a spoon but she was just not getting enough food into her mouth. She was so hungry. Her biopsy tests came back as inconclusive. (This was Tuesday, the 16th.) By this time, I had made up my mind on what had to be done. I couldn't sit there and watch this lump get bigger, so big that she couldn't eat and watch her suffer. I just couldn't sit there and watch my baby girl suffer any longer. So, Friday, February the 19th, I signed the papers to have her euthanized. I held her the entire time and told her how much I loved her. She looked so peaceful and I was so thankful that she's no longer hungry, or in pain. She's at peace now.
     Even as I type this the tears are streaming down my face because there's this huge emptiness inside my heart. Friday night was the hardest night of my life. For 13 years, there's always been a warm furry lump right next to me in bed. I can't even remember what life was like before she came along. I miss her face, her obsession with drawers and cabinet doors. I know that she is much better off now, but there is this huge empty hole in my life. I miss her so much.

Just Plain Tired

Gawd, I'm so tired. I have been trying and trying to get my ducks in a row so that I can start college and every single time I get one step closer something always pops up. First it was old student loans that needed to be taken care of. THEN it was a waiting game for the company through which the loans were through to send a letter to the college that I am applying to saying that my loan payments were up-to-date and being paid....which they are. So, after my college got that letter I thought "Oh, goodie! I'm so close I can taste the veneer on the desk!" Then, one thing kept popping up over another. I stuck with it and took it all one day at a time. I was ready....seriously, ready. I had meetings with the student loan department and everything was all set to go......and then, one more thing popped up, keeping me from starting. Apparently there was another loan sitting stagnate from the first college that I started a few years ago. Oh, come on! Seriously? Where the hell did THIS one come from? So, now that I've worked with the consolidation company and they've finally agreed to take this most recent loan on as well. I'm ready to start school, I'm ready to start a new life, and to work toward a reputable career. But I swear, if one more thing pops up, I really don't know if I'll be able to take it. Haven't I proved myself enough? I mean, I've been patient, and even now I'm trying to remain head strong, and focused on my goal. But damn, how much can one person take? I don't know if I can keep it up anymore. I really just want to throw in the towel.

Bed Hopping

I just don't get it. I probably never will. How in the hell anyone can justify starting a new relationship when they haven't even severed ties with the previous one. There's something seriously wrong when a person can't even take responsibility for the damage they've caused. Not just to others involved, but to themselves. Everything is always someone else's fault. Excuses like "well, I did it because he made me mad" just don't cut it in my book! I'm disgusted by the whole "i'm mad so I'm gonna do want I want and I don't care if it hurts anyone else" crap! Grow the fuck up and take responsibility for yourself and your own damn actions. And STOP expecting ME to cover your ass! You're seriously testing my friendship and my loyalty. I mean, if you can't be loyal to your husband of 23 years, then how the hell do you expect me to think you'd be loyal to OUR friendship? Are you kidding me? You went on and on about finding your own place, how you wanted to be independent, start a new life for yourself...and I supported that 100%. But then when you were having a weak moment and thought about going back to your husband, I tried the "think of the independence you'll have, you'll no longer be at his beck and call".....that didn't satisfy you though, did it? Hell no, your new "boyfriend" (or whatever the fuck he is) called you and I guess that made things better for you? I'm sorry, but where the hell is that independence you couldn't wait to grab hold of? Right out the damn window...wow, that didn't take long, did it? What a joke. You don't want to be independent, because apparently women like you can't fucking hack it. And you say "new guy" isn't your boyfriend and it's not serious, but the two of you have had conversations about moving in together....UHM EX-FUCKING-SCUSE me........moving in with someone is pretty f'ing serious in my book! GRRRRRR, some women really PISS ME OFF...and women like ME are getting pissed off at women like you for making us look bad. 
Signing off.....ONE PISSED PAGAN, 
Blessed Be,
Jai

Stuck

Liminal. Right now that is the perfect word for me. Stuck in a threshold that will hurt someone one no matter what direction I take. Do I go right or left? Forge ahead or turn back? I thought I knew what I wanted, who I wanted and now, I'm not sure that's what's best for me. Of course I should've thought of that before things went too far. Before I stupidly blasted past that threshold and found myself cemented in this one. It's not that I don't know what I want....Because I know exactly what I want. The problem is that I know exactly what I DON'T want, but I put all my eggs in that basket way too soon and now I'm here....stuck.....knowing if I speak it aloud that it will hurt the one person that I never intended to hurt. But if I don't say it, get it out, I'll hurt myself far worse. This sucks.

Happy New Year!

WOW...is it just me or did 2009 zip right by? It didn't even wave goodbye when it left...wasn't that rude? I spent my new years eve night exactly the way I wanted to: reading a book in my pj's. That seems to be my favorite thing to do these days. I guess growing older makes you calmer? I dunno, but I seem happier chillin out with my friends & family, watching movies that reach about a 20 on the gross-o-meter these days. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, nor is it always quiet. But it sure is fun! I didn't make any resolutions this year. Didn't even try. Why? Because I make a list every year and I never follow through with any of them..lol. Eh, at least I'm honest about it.
Anyway, I finally have all my ducks in a row and I'm ready to start school. Now all I'm waiting for is the letter that I need showing that none of my accounts are in default. I'm really excited to get started. I'm so excited I could literally wet my pants! (Hey, at least it's warm for a second or two...lol) But, seriously, I'm ready to hit the ground running and get started and get registered for classes. Anyway, I thought since it had been forever since I'd posted anything that I could refresh my page and let anyone who cares to read this know whats going on in my life. Hope your New Year's kicked ass and I hope this coming year brings you happiness and internal peace!
Blessed Be,
Jai